CAkosa

my auntie bid farewell days ago. a friend is now recomposing her thoughts to fight the battle. some friends, relatives and my mom left with it. 'da boy', patrick swayze, and i have it in common.

everytime an opportunity comes for me to give inspiration, morale booster, not in a moment will i think twice. right away, my 'yes' will come out of my mouth.

i'm not a good person and neither am i strict with my religion. i'm just an ordinary guy, happy go lucky dude, with a passion to live my daily life.

these are the things i always tell to give inspiration to my CAkosa... though some who hears it are emotionally not in favor when their patients are currently passing thru the tunnel:

1. i'm focusly praying for healing of my soul, and thinking that healing of my body depends on how my soul stands.

2. before my surgical operation in 2005, i requested for a priest, not to talk about miracle stuff but to talk on what i've done with my life: bad things, good things, then bad things again, and then another bad things, and so on with the bad things... XD we talked about how is my relationship with Him and what's next if i've been extended for years.

3. be normal. unless your brain has it, you should be thinking you are normal. only those who are brain dead are exempted on doing things you want to do. yes you have it, but as of the moment some are drowning in the sea, some are free falling from the sky, some are heading for a car crash, some are about to receive a bullet on their head. how many seconds do they have to savor and to give thanks... whew... i can't imagine how fast are their thoughts on that moment. so for now, think normal and be normal.

4. if we are on a race track, forget on bitting the world time record. your main objective now is to gain positions, as if the positions are your goals in life. everytime you gain position, grab the next one, and so on, until the race is over. you might bit the world time record, but what will satisfy you most are the good things you've made or gained.

5. lastly, before and after sleeping, give thanks if you still can walk, give thanks if you still can sit, give thanks if you still can see, give thanks if you still can smell, give thanks if you still can hear, give thanks if you still can touch, give thanks if you still can breath, and give thanks for your life.

God bless us all.

sick leave photoshoot

hehehe... when we are both on a sick leave and after a long day sleep, we did a photoshoot in the afternoon of 20080923.

here is a sample...

for my other photos, follow this link => http://micbp.multiply.com/photos

hot ice

self portrait of the sick!

tiring yet fulfilling

lately, i'm catching up my breath.. literally.
i'm living the best part of my life now, that's my point of view. i know some will have some pop-up questions on their heads again, asking is he really living life as it should be. i don't mind that anymore.
currently, i'm catching up with my friends and relatives as i stated on my posts before. to those whom i've scheduled a meeting/gmik and i cancelled on the last minute because i'm not feeling well, please accept my apologies again. =) let's have another dates. =)
other things i'm currently busy of... photography, math tutorial (sorry, i choose on my own pace and it's for free so please don't contact me =) ), raising pets, a lot of singing (hehe... some with my guitar/friends), spending time with jo1, spending time with Him.
have you asked yourself if you really want to live? i do. many times... life is not measured how long i live, but how i live with it.
another day, another life... tiring yet fulfilling

sangkap ng buhay

ahhh...

hanging by a moment

i've been so busy that i can't make up my mind on what to post for a couple of weeks now.
photography. music. academic tutorial. friends. more friends. family. jo1.

sometimes when i wake up early in the morning, with an awful pain, i feel i already have it all.
thankful. seeking forgiveness. closing my eyes. then i will not expect for more when i get back to sleep... but when the right hour to be ready to face world (office, gmiks) has come, i still can open my mind, my eyes, my body, and soul. what should i do? i've been given another day! work hard, play hard, and rock harder! =)

"There's nothing else to lose. There's nothing else to find. There's nothing in the world, That can change my mind. There is nothing else. There is nothing else. There is nothing else." - lifehouse

turning point

...just like driving a fast car, and you have to decide in split seconds if you'll have to take the right turn because that's the safest and cleanest; even if the way in front of you will give you fame if you finish the race because of kamikaze attempt.

i have nothing to prove now in my career. i feel i have already earned the respect, in terms of how i work, that i should have from the management of all the companies i worked for, colleagues, and even clients. now, i have to do a quick change. though, it is not my type to be just a mere spectator inside the organization i'm into (i'm always aiming for my best), i have to change to have a better life. let them do their piece.

if i'm off, i'm off. no exceptions. work is 8 hours a day, so i'll give them 'true' 8 hours a day amount of work. then, i'll use up all my leaves.

i'll be spending more time with my wife, relatives, friends, hobbies, and specially to Him.
this is my life... and now is my turning point

be with me

it seems that i had a long day last wednesday. after office, i went to my doctor to discuss about the latest ctscan result. there is no change between the results of the ctscan before and after the initial 4 chemo sessions i took for the past 2 months. the doctor was good enough to advise us to think many times on the gamble we will be having if we continue my chemo. a next chemo session will cost at least 150% of a chemo session i already took. he also told us that pancreatic ca treatment with chemo is still not curative, but 'hoping' for prolonging the life of a patient depending on the body response. so we have agreed that i will consult him again after a month or two, with my decision. jo1 has teary eyes during the check-up and i always butt-in a joke 'why are you crying' while her friend, who was also there, just look at us and smile.

after the check-up, me, jo1, and her friend ate our dinner and still discussed my case. we prayed and also discussed how to live with God. then we went home.

jo1 and i agreed that i'll be having alternative treatment. i already have in mind about dr. tam mateo.

thursday... i had a day-off from office. recomposed myself. i continue my research on the internet about alternative treatments. in western countries, there are a lot of protocols they are using as alternative treatments, but for months i can't find one of them which is available here. then finally, i saw dr. manuel navarro's name. he already passed away, but his son dr. efren navarro continue giving alternative treatment to cancer patients. i called on the clinic and have been advised to give urine sample by friday and have the consultation on saturday.

friday(today)... i still have something in my mind which asks 'is it for real'? i collected my urine sample and went to the clinic. the clinic is inside a village. at the front of the house, i can't see anything inside. it is a huge house though, just looking at the length of the wall, gate, and the roof. upon entering, i saw nuns seated on a porch. they were receiving medicines from the doctor's assistant and at the same time they were giving urine samples as well. then when they look at me, i smiled at them. they asked me if i am a patient also of dr. navarro and what is my case. i told them that it was my first time to be there and i told them my case. typically, they asked my age, civit status, etc. they got my number and told me that they will pray for me. i asked them what are their cases. they are cancer patients too, living at least 5 years now. they've been treated with chemo and stuff before, but after having no good result they started using alternative treatments. now, i'm really contented with what i'll be having.

friends and relatives, please stay with me in spirit... my decision is still to fight for this one... i'm not giving up yet. be with me... be still

just a scan

i'm now preparing to go to the clinic for a ctscan.
this will be administered after 2 cycles (4 sessions) of chemo done for the past month.

many have asked, what do i feel? to tell you honestly, i'm just calm. i bet a lie detector for it or any psychologist for that reason.

am i afraid to die? nope. the reason maybe is i don't have any bad feelings to anyone right now and i have loved what i lived for; and i'm still living for it.. maybe for three years i have mastered the art of dying. when you want to let go of something you can't have or shouldn't have, you let yourself die and live for a new one: it maybe a thing or an idea.

now, my body will just be scanned for the growth of gremlins. i'll have the result maybe tomorrow or by wednesday, and then i will prepare for the next exercise.

not the time for oceans and rivers for now, be a water in a lake for me, be still...
this is just a scan

ever ready

just now, i saw the result of the blood tests needed before having my ctscan on Saturday. the result shows a good sign of my liver and kidney enzymes.

late in the afternoon today, dothy and i discussed the herbal medicines of dr. tam and that dothy has a first hand knowledge of the good effect the herbal can give thru her tita. i remembered mabelle and other classmates informing me of other medicines too. currently i'm taking another herbal given by doys and joh.

thanks for the concern, let's have this one at a time.
whatever the result of any exercise, i lift it up to Him...
with Him, i'm ever ready

coincidence?

finally we have disposed our sony h2...

God knows when to be there before you even think about it.
we posted the item for sale months ago and the reason was in exchange of another techy thing.

then early this day... while checking on our bills... i got a text message from someone asking if he can get the cam for a lower price. right-away i jumped from my seat and went to get the camera and had also informed jo1 about it. the reason for selling it now is different...

jo1 and i agreed after minutes of conversation. as i am about to text the buyer, i found out the av cable and usb cable are not working. we didn't use the said features for so long because we were just transferring photos and videos via a card reader. i felt uncomfortable to sell the item. i composed a text message to the buyer about the condition of the item and said a prayer before sending it. he replied and was still eager to buy the item, but asked for a small amount discount. the final price i think is still reasonable for us. so the transaction has pushed thru.

to the buyer and his girlfriend, who he said was the first one who texted me, thank you!!!

waiting

while i'm waiting... here are the things i do... work on my office tasks, play NBA live 2007, sing with my guitar, sing with GoSing app, read books, watch downloaded movies with jo1, chat/call/text with my friends, and of course rest besides Him.

waiting, waiting, waiting...

plans

what i will do next...

1. join an organization
2. teach math or computer subjects for free on my beloved high school alma matter... just like a tutorial class of some sort... (paging Gwen Distrajo) =)
3. keep in touch with my friends, and find old friends
4. touch base with my organization in college
5. have a child of my own =)

rock my world

earlier today, there was a comotion between me and the man living above our unit. though i was playing a music under a normal volume, the man heard it as though it was too loud. the problem with the room of our unit is that there is no other hole that the sound can go through except to pass through the rooms of the units above and below us. so what he did was he played an instrumental music of pure drums and guitars. i heard the music, and it was really too loud... me, as a hard headed bitch, pumped up the volume and played music of Red Hot Chilli Peppers. eventually, we lowered our volumes.

after a couple of hours, i heard a knock on my door. when i opened the door, i saw him standing there. he right away told me that he lives above our unit... he apologized for the said comotion while i also apologized. the funny thing was we ended up liking the story of each other... he told me his life and his job and i told mine... i like his story because he worked as a guitarist of some bands performing in japan and now as a sound engineer... the life he has, meeting different people, living with different type of friends, and other stuffs...

we really wanted to have more time to talk, but we have some work to do... so he said goodbye. we apologized again on each other, shook hands, and he went off...

after 5 minutes there he was again knocking at my door. he gave me a 'cancer killer juice' recipe, we shook hands again, and he said 'rock on!'

God really knows how to rock my world! =)

stranger than fiction

a good movie of 2006... check it out.

starring Will Ferrel.

claim it

i claim healing through Him.

today is my 3rd gig. rock on!

count on me

same as what i've told my friends and relatives before, just basing it on my research thru medical books and internet, i know where i'm coming from.

now, i have the tag. Dindo didn't write it on previous prescriptions, finally he has used it.

why? the check-up i had this afternoon has not been a medical thing but a social and somehow spiritual thing. i started up the conversation because i know Dindo won't be discussing life, specifically my future, if i won't start the conversation about it. somehow i may say i wanted him to be strong for me and talk to me anything. not that i'm giving up, but i just want to talk on the reality IF...

after having the tag, i right away thought...

hey, we have an infinite count... so 4 is not the last of it!

..but if ever 4 is the last one i'll have, then i hope you'll continue the counting.

God bless us all!

pork and beans

this is a good song when you don't feel good on someone who thinks you are not doing the right thing even after you have apologized and have explained your side... we're just humans.
so take care of yourself, be busy on something else, and pump-up the volume!!!


from THE RED album of WEEZER

PORK AND BEANS

They say i need some rogaine to put in my hair
Work it out at the gym to fit my underwear
Oakley makes the shades to transform a tool
You'd hate for the kids to think that you've lost your cool

Imma do the things that i wanna do
I ain't got a thing to prove to you
I'll eat my candy with the pork and beans
Excuse my manners if i make a scene
I ain't gonna wear the clothes that you like
I'm fine and dandy with the me inside
One look in the mirror and i'm tickled pink
I don't give a hoot about what you think

everyone likes to dance to a happy song
with a catchy chorus and beat so they can sing along
timbaland knows the way to reach the top of the charts
maybe if i work with him i can perfect the art

Imma do the things that i wanna do
I ain't got a thing to prove to you
I'll eat my candy with the pork and beans
Excuse my manners if i make a scene
I ain't gonna wear the clothes that you like
I'm fine and dandy with the me inside
One look in the mirror and i'm tickled pink
I don't give a hoot about what you think

no, i don't care
i don't care
i don't care
i don't care
i don't care
i don't care

Imma do the things that i wanna do
I ain't got a thing to prove to you
I'll eat my candy with the pork and beans
Excuse my manners if i make a scene
I ain't gonna wear the clothes that you like
I'm fine and dandy with the me inside
One look in the mirror and i'm tickled pink
I don't give a hoot about what you think

moon rising

i like night time nowadays
it gives me the authority to silently scream what i feel
lie down beside my friends and relatives' sleepless supports
see blindly all the good memories
smell my misty future

please don't get me wrong
if sometimes i miss my sun rise, let me walk through the night coz i still have my moon rising

thanks to all of you who touched my soul specially now when i needed it most. let HIM bless you all the way. we still have to do the best acts of our lives

let it pass

sorry for this post because i'm not in a good mood as of this time.

when you broke a wheel while riding a bicycle and a gorgeous lady saw you fall, fix the wheel and let the moment pass...
when you are the only examinee who flunk the final exam, retake the subject on the next semester and let the moment pass...
when you helped someone with good intentions and it turned out to be a red tape, think that sometimes it just happen and let the moment pass...
when you get angry because you thought he/she is the least person you know who can do that thing to you, think of the many who make you feel good and let the moment pass...
when you stayed on the bowl for about an hour and still can't poopie, give some more time and let the moment pass...

when you are down, look up to Him and let it pass...

old friends

a picture of us, elementary friends, taken early this day... neil, brenda, (me), theya, sheila, cathy

good riddance

"Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)" - Greenday

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

da boy left me on our fight

amen. thy will be done

falling leaf

sometimes we have to let a leaf detach from a tree, to let it nurture the soil where we stand.
just remember the things you have had with the leaf... protecting underneath against the heat... dancing when a wind of laughter blows... comforting when tears of rain drops...

lose a leaf in time to gain new ones.

be thankful of what you have had... let a leaf fall

life out of a flame

a lighted candle... time where abundance of warm happiness is flowing. silhoutte smiles. melting body rhythms.

an oven... time of celebration. gas of laughter. heated arguments. satisfaction.

a burning house... time of struggle. falling comfort. heated arguments. strengthening a home.

whatever flame to have... it will end in time.
some might leave while burning, but surely that thing and the flame have lighten up a time.

let the course of its nature tell whether to stop, so just let it burn.

lost words

it's hard to say something when you are so overwhelmed.

a time when you want to utter a lot of words because of the good deeds they gave you.

i hope my smile has turned into million sentences to express my appreciation...
i hope my eyes has turned into one of those child's eyes, where you can see the glow, a bit shy, but will let you know how happy he/she is...

those... with lost words.

santa gemita

upcoming 2nd gig

as i've said on my 1st gig last friday, i focused on 'soul'... i may say it was successful coz i felt the response of numerous people after that session. i'm thankful of them all.

now, i'm focusing on "strings".

a string being held at both ends to voice out what is between them... and when a lot of strings are being held, they will harmoniously create a music which could affect a lot of things that surrounds them.

as before, i will always be at my best to surpass that gig... saving every memories!

hope to see you all soon!

balot

doc dindo advised me to have balot frequently... what is balot anyway...

1. a filipino comedian actor
2. an alias to some of bald fat pinoys (still originated from the comedian actor)
3. a cover of anything... from food, books, to a cover of human thing...
4. a currency being used during philippine election...
5. a boiled egg which is almost ready for hatching... just like having an abortion of sort...

=)

be still

just be still...

hidden words

whenever i talk to anyone about my condition, i always insert a funny line or a joke. i just can't help myself being too serious, but deep inside me i feel them, i feel their presence within me.

thanks to you all! same as before, 2005, i'll be fighting for my family and for you guys! a life isn't worth living if not to live for others! =)

officemates

taken before my first chemo

hours before

this is me... leaving the house for my first launch.

God speed to us all!

update on my gig

i'll be having my first session tomorrow, friday, May 22, 2008... first launch... at megamall de los santos clinic around 3 pm =)

i'll be at my best on that time. i'll be concentrating on 'soul'... coz i've 'rock'ed too much in the past.

God speed....

leave out all the rest - linkin park

...when my time comes
forget the wrong that i've done
help me leave behind some
reason to be missed

and don't resent me
and when you're feeling empty
keep me in your memory

leave out all the rest
leave out all the rest...


... forgetting
all the hurt inside
you've learned to hide so well

pretending
someone else can come and save me from myself
i can't be who you are
i can't be who you are...

smile

smile and get a smile back... but remember a smile is not always a gratitude towards the other. =)

clean-up your head

just an hour ago, i took another haircut session, this t at Bruno's Makati. during the session, the barber and i had a small talk regarding life... then he butted in 'sir do you want me to clean up your head?'... at this point i took a loud laugh... he continued '... using a solution to enhance your scalp and all'. =)

hahaha... how great it would be if a barber can clean-up everything 'in' my head.

hard-headed.selfish.bitch

when i woke up, i had a flashback of memories of me being hard-headed selfish bitch.
just yesterday, i did have an encounter again. the crew asked me to wait for my food after i payed the bill. so i wait. while waiting, the next crew besides her called for 3 orders of the same meal i ordered. i just observed on how they will process the orders. the crew at the back of the counter finished packing 3 orders of the meal. i got the attention of another crew and ask her to give me one of the meal. i was surprised when she told me that it is for the other crew's order. on that time, my mind rage with anger and right away had a high tone to tell her that i'm the one who ordered first and that they shouldn't made me wait at the counter if they will not serve my order in a minute. it got the attention of everyone on the line, the crews, and including the manager. the manager stepped on the scene and apologized and gave me the meal. i heard her, when i'm leaving the counter, saying to her crews that they shouldn't ask customer to wait if the order will not be served in a minute. however, when i leave the place, i'm not happy on what i did. i always thought before that being frank on what is right will satisfy me. that's before...

faultless fighter?

always be a 'fighter' to protect what is within...

should we be 'faultless' to open the heaven's door...?

venus, jill, and meanne! thanks a lot! =)

my twisted time stopped

my clock has stopped. time to replace the battery.
how will life be if we just have to replace our battery...



books that i'm currently reading...

out of twenty something

we just came from a birthday party of macks macasinag at greenpark pasig.

throughout the occasion, i relaxed and didn't attempt to hold the microphone for the videoke session. i just look around, see different lives, talk to new faces...

i just observed how the young ones define their lives. their stories at work, at home, their lovelife and all... looking back on what i have had.

if i'll be given a chance to relive my life, i'm thinking to have it the same way how i did it.

oldies but goodies

that's joh with wacky, and doys!

doys! thanks for the post at your site! let's drink to that! =)

i just saw mandy villanueva's blogsite, http://randyvillanueva.wordpress.com/.

everytime i read/look at any of his sites, i savor his thoughts. thanks bro!

once in a while, i'm thinking of posting old pix/memories.. so here are some

that's my mom! i miss you a lot ma!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =(

my family... kuya oweng, ate jeng, kuya joden, joyce, mom with gi, dad, ate paul, and me!

three generations... dad, me, and beng.

same looks?

freshens you everyday

on the way to office, i dropped by to eat my breakfast at farmers market. i sat at the window side of jollibee, then i saw this sign

"don't forget to have a life" by listerine.

haha.. coming from a sick leave yesterday because of life itself.

today is my birthday. same age with jollibee, huh?

a pic at my workstation with one of my best buds, sie. she can be mean, she can be nice, but she always have true ties...

my officemates gave me scrapbook pages. really really NICE!!! thanks to you all, sie, ivy, june, daints, tina, sherman, and mike d.! ...special thanks to tina!



time to sleep... let's fight and never give-up on anything. better to die fighting...! Go Maroons!!!

slow down relax

i just returned from cubao. i ate at bodhi, a vegetarian fast food stall located at SM food court. below is a sample of the food there. yummy... since i finished eating my dinner a bit earlier before jo1 arrived at cubao, i tell her to meet me at wendy's.. then from there we went to starbucks.
by the way, i have a twisted mind... tic tac tic tac... my mind jumps from one thought to another. then i came across at the coffee table... 'SLOW DOWN RELAX' it says... should i??

here's my last shot of the day. jo1 and me...

starting to end

at last... starting a new blog that i will try to definitely update everyday. i've created blogs before but never succeeded to update it on time. the reason is that my other blogs are not for me... other sides of me.

today is another turning point in my life... or should i say starting to prepare for an ending. 3 years ago was the first one. i have the same case, if not a similar case, with 'da boy' of philippine cinema. last night, i decided to be scheduled for chemotherapy starting on the first friday of june 2008. i am hoping that my body will respond well, coz if not, i will definitely just wait for my time end which will be sooonnn! gemcitabine is the name of the meds. anyway... let's cut that short.

i am married to jo1. a definitely an honest to goodness wife. she came from bicol. i came from rizal, though my parents came from cagayan. you can see some of me at this site http://profiles.friendster.com/mikepagulayan and this one http://www.flickr.com/photos/pidyongdelata.

the pic above has been shot minutes ago... just had my new haircut just last night. you'll have a lot of me or anything/anyone around me when days pass.

i saw an unconditional love last night before having my check-up. my ex-officemate, who i can say can be a film actor because of his looks, was so close and sweet to his partner at the mrt ayala station. his looks and his body is definitely way off from his girl, but he is the one who is so sweet to her. i salute him for that. all men should be like him i told myself. i should have taken a picture of them. wheww...